I woke up for my 2:30am pumping session. I asked nurse Jessica if there was anything new, she said that everything was the same. Scarlett's just sleeping. No unexpected crazy awakenings like last night. She's doing really good and getting the rest she needs. The Ativan (sedative) is working a lot better than the Versed did and the Sildenafil (Viagra) seems to be working.
I'm barely going into Day 4 of not being able to hold my baby, and I'm already missing her a lot. I wanna hold her and kiss her and feed her and play with her. I want to hear her voice. I miss her cry, I miss her giggles, I miss her attentive listening, and her curious facial expressions and stares. I want to change her diaper, I want to give her a bath. I want to feed her in her high chair. It's starting to get to me...seeing her unconscious all....day.....long. It's only been 3 days. I'm such a wuss.
Especially when I think about the heart mommies who have lost their CHD (congenital heart defect) babies, I feel really guilty for missing my 'alive' baby. I know one day soon I will be able to hold her again and play with her again, but I've become pampered and spoiled being able to be with my CHD baby...that now that I can't be with her, I miss her. But then I think about the pain and agony and aching that the heartmoms of CHD angels feel everyday with no respite in sight, and I feel bad that I miss my baby who is just sleeping.
But guilty feelings or not, the truth can't be denied. It hurts me to see my baby not being able to be a baby. No mom or baby should have to go through this. :(