There are so many emotions that I feel on a daily basis. Fear, Hope, Worry, Sadness, Gladness, Thankful, Terrified, Humbled, Angry, Confused, Guilty, Grateful, Bitter, Depressed, Happy, Proud, Love, Sorrow, and the list goes on. I should probably learn to control my emotions better, but I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve these days (no pun intended, obviously).
I'm doing fine until I start talking about Scarlett's surgery, then I fall to pieces when I get to the part where it's a 7-10 hour surgery and it is very complex and unknown (the outcome). I worry about stupid things like her developmental delays because of her surgery, but then I just feel thankful that I have been able to treasure the last 7 months with her, then I'm sad again that there is a 10% chance that I may only have her for 2 more days... but then I am hopeful that she's gonna make it just fine. Then I feel guilty having these feelings because there are so many other babies much worse than Scarlett.
Then I am humbled by the strength of heart mommy's of CHD babies who are in heaven. Then I'm sad again for those mommies, I'm scared again for Scarlett, I'm terrified that I could be one of those mommies and I don't know how I will be able to go on as they do. Then I just try to find a middle ground. Be faithful/hopeful but with a hint of realism. Not easy to do... So many emotions to feel....
I know life is too short to be bitter, angry or resentful, but I feel this way when I see or hear of pregnant women smoking, drinking or doing drugs while they're pregnant. Don't they know?? Don't they care? We heart moms did everything right and look what happened to our babies (especially the CHD angels), they are doing everything wrong and they get the healthy babies. Why? It just doesn't seem fair.
Then I think... who am I to judge?. God chose me to be a heart mom. God chose Scarlett to have a heart condition. I don't completely understand His infinite ways or His grand plan, but I have to have faith that everything happens for a reason. Scarlett will have her surgery in 3 days and God willing everything will be fine.
We received a greeting card in the mail from Todd's workteam. Everyone signed it. It was really thoughtful of them. I wanted to share what it said:
There's a purpose for each petal
that graces every flower,
There's a purpose to each second
in each minute in each hour,
There's a purpose to each sunrise
that lights the sky each day -
And a purpose to each trial
we find along life's way,
and although a purpose might not be
revealed at once to man,
Nothing in God's kingdom
is without a perfect plan.
The inside reads: Wishing you a good day today... and a better day tomorrow.